Another charred path..I critique my own senses in a way that I always knew I would.
My doubt is not passive aggressive
My doubt burns like black coals coating the floors of all avenues of each personal aspiration…
And I stand here nowhere with literal bones for feet. Fragile frames and broken, but I think they’re healing.…I’ve never spoken how the darkness can give a whole new meaning to the notion that my suffering would by my psalm, my reckoning.
Never really good enough…. FOR MYSELF, honestly.
The love I give and the life I have received… These thoughts can be wicked carving canyons fucking deep.
Now scarred behind my eyes and it’s difficult to see…. I’ll echo words off sharpened rocks, vibrations beneath are humbling. Because I know the climb is hard but I’ll still do it silently, with no one watching, I’ll burn embers, keep the light in sight I’ll breathe.
The devastation could be endless, the floor could rupture, collapse on me.
-I recently celebrated my birthday and I’ve been meaning to share what my sister wrote to me. Not only does she make me feel like a QUEEN!🙌 She captures our childhood in just a few words.❤️ I’ll cherish her and this forever. I love you Stacy!
-Stephanie Roath,
My memories with you are never black and white,
Your presence lights up the room in a way that makes colors seem brighter,
Etching our moments into my psyche,
I love the way you’re naturally wild, even your eyes have yellow,
You give me permission to be all that I am, permission to run free, and you always have,
Little girls, riding our bikes down a dirt road, I say, “let’s go back!” and you say, “But what’s out there?! We have to know!”
So we’d pedal a bit further, til we reached a little creek, take our shoes off and dip in our feet,
Sloshing our toes into the mud below
Catching craw dads and observing tadpoles,
No matter the place, no matter how close to home, life was an adventure wherever we’d roam,
And it still is, cause the adventure is you—
If I could capture you in a few short words, you’re that force in nature that once seen doesn’t need to be heard…
Stunned Silent.
Your Being is enough for people to want to draw near and yet the closer they get, their focus becomes more unclear,
Like a west wind, one I feel but cannot see, so is your soul tied to the depths of me,
Power in numbers? But no more than 2. Cause holiness is me at my worst, still being enough for you,
Isn’t that love, the kind we dream about?
One single presence that will love you completely here and now-
relentlessly-unceasingly—never in doubt,
Evolving beyond the need to meet the status quo, not accepting fear as the path we will grow,
Not into complacency, or submission, or a maintained ego,
But melting through the layers of our chosen ethos,
I call on you to be the rain and my umbrella and you are both,
A cleansing baptism of honesty and truth
But kind enough to protect me too
And I don’t ever wanna know me without you,
I truly don’t know who I’d be with out you,
Anam Cara by Soul, Blood by fate…
Common Ancestors, cells, lava-filled lakes,
Stars exploding in outer space,
Matter, anti/matter,
Beginning of time,
As far as we know, no reason or rhyme,
Out of 400 trillion, the odd to be here was one—
And yet, we get to be sisters too while we’re under the sun?
There isn’t a battle, but I’d say we’ve won…
💥⭐️☀️🌎🌊⚡️🦠🧬🐠🦎🌳👯♀️
I am in awe that we just get to be here, and that I’ve had the joy of loving YOU for 33 years🎉🥳🎊🤩🤪🥰🤪🤩🎊🥳🎉
I come to you as your daughter,
Powerful Almighty.
You are such a loving Father,
all the ways that you smite me.
I bow to you as a friend.
In search of purpose,
to make amends.
I truly would never mean to offend….
Maybe simply, reprimand?
Time I called you down,
you sacred host.
I need to see your face,
my Holy Ghost.
I’m losing my faith,
and it’s starting to show..
I wanted to believe you were my home.
Strange you like to tease me
from your ether hiding place.
Your absence here is the only thing steady,
still I beg to see your face.
My blood has frozen cold,
standing still in your Son’s rays.
.. I can’t help but ask him, “Why?…
Why let them use your name?”
A sacrificial lamb? Or a REBEL? He didn’t want the blame…
Never even cared for the BIG religion game…
but it’s not about him……… you’re the focus in this frame…
I don’t want to be right,
I don’t need to be saved
But I’ll search for a light,
within the wrath of your disdain.
In every word…
On every page…
Honestly, I understand,
If you’ve turned and walked away.
Both of us are quite familiar
with the loss of being betrayed…
It’s a peculiar relationship,
the way we behave.
I’m like a doll in your arms and we tango on my grave.
As I poetically taunt you, your silence remains..
Remind me Father? Son?
Are you one in the same?
Is it really about love?
Or really more about shame?
People will talk,
but what many don’t see,
I prayed, so devout, until almost 33
I’ve begged you,
I’ve knelt down for years on my knees,
Thanks a lot for raining down and destroying me.
You know like I do,
we fear my fight
because it frees.
Absentee,
above the trees
Reign down your love
and shatter me.
God and I have weird ways. Have a good weekend Loves!!!!🖤🖤🖤
Somethin’ about wolves.
They cling to me.
Somethin’ about the Grim.
In their den I have three.
Three Alphas
it seems….
may have found themselves a home.
Unlike the forest I’m hollow,
more to claim in their roam..
This pack,
they have names.
Go by-
Me, Myself, and I.
Each one means something different.
Each one my ally.
Me is the most vicious.
Snapping close at my feet,
Circling
bearing claws
and gnashing her teeth.
She drops helpful hints
to keep me
moving.
Her one line is,
“Babe, don’t trust anybody.”
Myself is something else.
More patient, maybe?
Sics the pack to attack
the witches that taunt me.
Keeps nighttimes at ease
because she knows
they’re tempting.
Her one line is,
“You are your own worst enemy.”
These wolves are mine.
They’ve heard my cries.
Your sword means nothing,
They wouldn’t think twice.
Watched me fall away
Watched me and by my side,
Helped me fuse shattered pieces
Seen me, many times denied.
…But….
………I, is different….
…with a honest gentle heart.
Nudged me in the cave,
alone in the dark.
Gave me instincts of a canine,
carried me at times,
Led me to a grave,
saw a reflection of my face…..
Have you ever done that?
Thought about your own grave?
No recollection, just gone..
Every memory you made….
What’s the point of all this?
I hear “live in the now!”
Now.
Now, It’s NOT the now,
And in a blink,
I’m in the ground.
And I’ll be lucky if my grandchildren ever mutter my name..
Life is nothing
And at the same time,
it’s insane……
..But…
back to I.
With her “truth-value” rawhide.
Sitting shotgun in my car
buckled next to my pride.
She looks at me,
drops her head,
And in one breath,
Repeats her line-
“Everybody wants to go to heaven,
but nobody wants to die.”
in the cemetery now I
Rest In Pieces
I’ll hold my breath
and gouge out my eyes
to fill your lungs with
the air that I breathe.
Can’t face your headstone..
I’d rather lose sight.
in the cemetery now I
Rest In Pieces
cut out my heart
bleed on her grave every night.
I’ll cut the angels a deal
for my grandmother buried here
make heaven real
And I’ll sacrifice my life.
Inside “The Natural State”
I roam in a natural state
of divine seclusion
where I argue my fate.
Within a foggy illusion
beyond this blurry
mountain range,
I keep focus on a town
drenched in baptismal
acid rains.
And STILL,
I can see much clearly.
Naturally my bones can breathe.
I harness the power here,
I move mountains
Without mustard seeds.
Rising up with the gold full moon
My fingertips trace trunks of trees.
I begin to gamble my own insight.
Where’s the blood?
Where’s Crucifix three?
My childhood…
I can feel its death,
Imprinted through
cracked leaves.
Died, fallen, swept away by floods.
Broken rituals keep me doubting decrees.
It seems
my Witches have
poisoned my faith
using naturally flowing streams,
that wade through holy waters
prayed and poured over
for the sake of my purity.
See now as a woman
I’ve returned here in dreams.
Walked through the same humidity,
used to silence my screams,
A smothering tiny towns
religious reality..
Now frozen in this city,
Almost like I pushed rewind,
Same people.
Same beliefs.
I’m arriving home a with different kind,
of midnight heart that
bleeds bright red
like the void inside my mind.
Absorb the cold as i surrender into
the spirals of my eyes.
Hypnotic indeed.
Could replace the sun rays,
golden yellow they reveal every lie.
Sitting in silence,
“God if you’re here,
I wanna see you while I’m still alive.”
Some really don’t get it.
See there is a war.
Our freedom is on the front battle lines
I worship nothing
alone for myself
in sacred ways
in secret times.
This area believes the best are bless-ed be,
believe materials measure their faith.
People here say they see god,
and it’s true once they look at my face.
Somethin’ about those dark eyes,
Somethin’ I can’t deny.
It’s actually impossible to put into words,
but when I say that,
it makes me wanna try.
Kinda feels like I’ve lost my mind.
Saw a phantom, defying God’s light?
So if you’re real,
send me to hell,
Cause blasphemy feels so right.
Know what we like?
We write.
We’ve got books.
People in the room,
Taking note on our looks..
Cause we’re eyeing each other.
And your stares tune out their yell,
You’re a fucking sin,
I can’t pin it
exactly
when I became so lame
but I didn’t know I had the keys to this
and I really can’t blame
anybody
for these silent wars
that are waged
between my brain
in the crevices
my synapses
focus more on staying sane while
they snap back and forth
repeating words
I haven’t said staring
closely at the past and
questioning myself I tread repeating
nothing’s owed to me and people
won’t extend a hand but now
my fingers intertwine with minds that wander near to death where they tell me they’re nowhere but still
trapped inside the heads of
the ones they hear who
suffer in silence they
bleed through the ink
and spread
into certain places on
the paper like…..
violently lovely bloodshed….
transforming broken words
to pages then to books
and then to bricks and then
building up a castle by
binding shavings of
branches and twigs
that point up
to the sky and with me
try to reason
but I’m searching for
the light, something
blinding to try to creep into to zone back into reality to know I’m
still alive
writing in this notebook
are these Witches of mine
telling me to slow down simply
fall into line… into an
infinite nothing sealed by
fragments of time….
shook its hand with a “Steph”
my signature in red
Falling into my eternity a
blissful sleep
with the dead
I’ll lay myself down
Years alone in this bed….
But then..
I hear my voice say,
🖤 Steph's Poetry and Such🖤 